“So Rightly Wrong”: A Public Apology

 

Thank you again for taking the time to hear my story, as while the facts haven’t changed, I have.

Back in 2013, the same friends who recently decided to build this website for me, built another one at my request. It was titled: OneBigCoverUp.com.   I have since had them take it down.

If you visited that original site, you would have encountered an immature, angry, self-righteous man. A man who convinced himself that his fight was righteous and that the Creator of everything would rush to his defense. A man who had completely missed the purpose of everything; of life itself. I was once that man. I’m not anymore.

Most of the information on that website is on this one too, as it’s still my story. I still fully believe and have documented that I an in no way guilty of any of the charges that for which I was sentenced to 35 years in Federal Prison. Effectively, a death sentence from being convicted of breaking IRS regulations. It still seems so incredible to me that this is even possible, and hopefully you do or will agree as well.

Those facts that indeed prove me legally innocent have not changed, but there has been a complete change of my perspective as to why I was actually put in prison. A change of heart towards my Heavenly Father and His son who died for all my sins, and then rose.

It’s time for apologies to basically everyone, including those who willfully abused me, and to seek forgiveness. To get here I had to first receive and bathe in the forgiveness of the Father, most assuredly prompted by His voice within: “If you don’t forgive yourself Michael, it is a rejection of the work My Son did when he died for your sins.” It took years, but I have forgiven myself and now it’s time I ask for yours. It’s time to forever let go of the past; ALL of it.

And so it’s time to REtell my story without my skewed views once relied upon…

I was the guy who believed I could play the game of: “A little bad, but much more good.” I failed utterly to discern that from the Father’s perspective, the only perfect perspective that He makes available is, “Not my will, but Thy will be done.” Though I had many willful transgressions — not crimes — in my life back then, of which I will be sharing some, it was my ignorant misperceptions of the Father and Son that allowed me to be so blind to the many transgressions I was committing. Conveniently blind while my sins piled up before Him. And the shame I would feel for years of my incarceration, believing I was doing “The Lord’s work.” So self-deceived, so wrong.

It was those hidden, subtle hints, that led to a sum total that could no longer be ignored nor tolerated by our Father in Heaven. A Maker who is Pure, and His Purity demands Justice. Especially in the lives of those whom He calls “My children.”

I think it’s best to first explain the deeper reason of Why, not How, I ended up in prison. As I briefly mentioned, this site was originally established to bring forth my overwhelming amount of evidence that was both hidden and purposely kept from two Grand Juries. An overwhelming amount of evidence to easily prove my “innocence.” The “OneBigCoverUp” domain name of the previous website well reveals my mindset at the time. But none of those matters was why I was brought here, not even close. The true reason is best explained at Job, Chapter 36:

“But if his people [his children] are bound in chains, held fast by cords of affliction, He tells them what they have done-that they sinned arrogantly… He makes them listen to correction and commands them to repent of their wickedness.” (Verses 8-10)

Before prison I was not listening. I thought I was. I convinced myself I was; more self-deception and self-deception is simply a convenient disregard of Yahweh’s commands. I, the Overseer of an active financial ministry (Double Edge Sword Ministries), was convinced I was “blessed” by Him, until He locked me away with no chance of escape. I was being held by His cords now and for the first ten years of that bondage I have been “made to listen to correction”. From 2009 until 2019 I was shown my many sins by the Father, and would spend those years in silent repentance.

I had never once slowed down in my previous life. Slowed down to hear the voice of my Maker and to get His approval for everything. Of course, my “big sins” were obvious to me, though I will explain my failure at eradicating even those, but it was the failure to put Yahweh first and foremost in my mind that mandated His chastening; a brutal but necessary chastening. My life was a life of a man disconnected from the whispers of the Father; the whispers that were meant to guide the soul. A life that was no life at all. It would not be until after my first 14 months of incarceration that I would begin to hear His voice within, loud and clear:

“Everything you were doing was wrong, Michael.”

Many of you might understand what it is like to receive direct words from the Father. Not words by and through other believers, but words directly spoken in the center of your conscience; the place where the Spirit of the Father resides. When He speaks, there is no wiggle room in your mind, no more ability to deny what has been spoken. In an instant every one of my former processes of thought were totally exposed! “Guilty!” on the spot.

My mind reeled, “How could it be everything Father? How is it possible I could have been so self-deceived?” Again, I had sins in my life I was fully aware of, terrible sins and yet I still saw the sum total my life’s purpose (faith, family, ministry) as good. I truly believed that I was doing far more good than bad. It was devastating to say the least, and as I said, it was the beginning of almost a decade of a painful repentance, of many tears, much shame and enough regret to fill 1000 galaxies. It took so long because even though I was not going to ever escape the “everything” He condemned about my former life, I was in the infant stages of living under the decree that I had sinned arrogantly, and that all of my ways were deemed “wicked” by the Father.

It was actually after He announced my wickedness to me that I would construct the “One Big Cover Up” website. I heard His words: “failed at everything”, but at this early stage of understanding the enormity of what He meant, how deep deep deep it went, I could not perceive that a long time in prison would be how He would remedy my transgressions of mind. I was still confident that He would deal with my sins, but that He was much more concerned about those who sinned against me. I was adamant about the idea that I was to create a site that would display my volumes of documents, proving my innocence, so that it could no longer be purposely kept from the Courts and the Juries they formed. I was certain that He would expose them all, take me home, and deal with me outside of prison. I would be “freed” in no time at all.

“He makes them listen to correction and commands them to repent of their wickedness.”

I have been in prison almost Twelve years now. Twelve years of silence, Twelve years of prayer, Twelve years of coming into the understanding and acceptance of “Everything you did what’s wrong Michael.”

“He makes me listen to correction and commands me to repent of my wickedness.”

Twelve years of sitting before him daily, day and night, and only then, without any interference of that ever-broken personal will, I spoke it out loud:

“Everything I did was wrong Yahweh. My sins against You, Your son and many others, is what brought me to prison. I failed You in every way, and therefore it was ONLY possible for me to fail everyone else. My punishment from You is Just, it is Righteous, it is Fair. Most profoundly Father, it is Merciful. You could have destroyed me and rightfully so. Instead You decided to save me; to help me work out my salvation with fear and trembling. You have been Good to me Father. You have been Good to me Yahshua (Jesus). You have taught me that if someone or something fails, it was never love, nor could ever be called ‘love’. You have been very good to me Father, so faithful.”

And because “everything” means everything, the time has come to ask others for forgiveness, for all of my failings. In some instances I won’t use names in order to protect you, as acknowledging the damage that I have caused you is what matters here. I pray that one day soon I will be able to say everything face-to-face, to all of you, and to restore all the loss that I caused you. I remember you all, I remember what I promised you, what I owe you. I dream often of the Father allowing me to restore everything to you; all that you lost because of me. Maybe you could dream that with me and believe with me that He will do it. He will honor this dream of mine.

To My Parents:

I was the one who professed to be a man of faith, and with that proclamation I was supposed to represent His love, the love that never fails. I failed greatly at it. Instead it was the two of you who showed me what it looks like to be true love. You lost so much because of me. Years and years of hard work and savings, all meant to allow you to rest in your later years. As it was with many others, one of my great sins was to persuade you to trust me, even over your own inclinations. It was my arrogance and pride that would have me actually saying “trust me”, even while the words of Jeremiah had long before been written; “Cursed is the one who trusts in man…” (17:5)

I led you into this curse, never once saying, “Trust in the Father alone, and do only what He tells you to do.” And yet you never accused me. You did exactly the opposite. In a time in which you faced so much of your own personal loss and devastation, you only concerned yourself with all of my loss and never failed to bring words of comfort to me. You went out of your way every day to make sure I was going to be okay. Not even knowing what your future held. You took in my family when they had nowhere else to go. To this day your love amazes me. It represents the Father in every way, your non-failing love. It’s the kind of love that can raise a dead man back to life!

I know you know my appreciation and my joy for the closeness of our family this day, but it’s time for others to know how sorry I am that I hurt you. That I took from you and never considered how the sum total of my actions would bring you pain and sorrow.  That I failed you.

To My Children:

You were completely innocent of everything. It was not possible for you to have done anything wrong, and yet you suffered so much because of my failings. I put work before family. I put work before the Father and Son. I deceived myself into believing that earning money was equivalent of being loving. It isn’t. It was self-satisfaction and self-righteousness.

You had to endure the loss of your Dad to the prison system, and in that the loss of your family as you knew it. You were so young and my sins took me from you. My sins caused your Mom and me to divorce. I cannot begin to express how humbled I am by whom the four of you have become. Again, it was my job to teach you about love and forgiveness, and yet it was you who taught me. You never accused me. You never expressed an ounce of anger towards me. Only pure love. You listened, you shared, you cried with me, and you forgave. You became a huge source of my strength and comfort while devastation sat at your doorstep for so long. Devastation I caused.

You had the right to blame me, instead you forgave. You loved instead. Though you had many difficult times, trying to understand why your world was shattered, you endured, you rose higher and you not only survived, you thrived. The four of you are my mark of Yahweh’s extreme favor and mercy. When I struggled to forgive myself, your forgiveness was my guide. You already know this, but I say this now so everyone knows. I’m so sorry that my pride and arrogance caused the destruction of our family.  I’m so sorry that your Mom was left with four young children and no idea how she would do it all on her own.  I’m so sorry I missed dances and sports and birthdays; everything. Daily hugs, laughs, tenderness.  I’m so sorry for everything. Forgive me.

To Those Who Called Me Friend:

I worked hard to get you to trust me. I gave guarantees. Guarantees that were arrogant and disregarded the reality that no man can see the future. I behaved so confidently in what I was doing. I believed my own words and yet there were areas of my life where I compromised way too much. I was aloof while at the same time I was asking you to let me lead. Again, I placed my hope in things I could not have possibly predicted and I assumed you would be good if you did the same. I convinced you that trusting me carried very little (if any) risk and yet I benefited and you never got to. It was no better than witchcraft and I made it into matters of “Faith” in the Father Himself, and His Son. It was blasphemous. I caused the loss of not only joy in your life, but resources you worked so hard for. I rarely stopped to consider the ramifications of those “other sins” that had nothing to do with DESM directly. I was greedy in life, wanton, and it caused a major misalignment from why I began DESM in the first place; the purpose of it all. I took and gave nothing back. I sinned against you and I am sorry. Some of you were lifelong friends; others friends in the faith. I hurt you all. I long to restore. Please forgive me.

To the One Individual Who I Sinned Greatly Against:

You were always so kind; a gentle giant. Your words were always spoken in love, your demeanor always so calm. You represented the Father and the Son so well in so many ways. Always caring, always giving, always willing to fight for what was true. We broke bread together, traveled together, laughed together, and cried together. I betrayed you and your family. I attempted to invade places no man has the right to invade and in doing so I caused the Father’s wrath to fall Mightily against me. Yes, I had other things that displeased Him, but my sins against you topped His list.   I arrogantly made a vow to the Father to never breach such places again; to never defile myself in such a way, and I broke that vow. It was less than two years into my incarceration when the Father spoke to me clearly and said, “This was your greatest offense. In sinning against this man and his family so severely you have sinned greatly against me. My throne demands justice and this is the reason I have bound you in chains.”

“He makes them listen to correction and commands them to repent of their wickedness.”

It took me more than seven years of being incarcerated to fully forgive myself from my sins against you and your family. I felt so much shame for so long. It was a betrayal of brotherhood, of friendship, of love itself. Only a terrible person does such things. I had said earlier that it was hard to hear Him say, “You were wrong about everything Michael,” but some things are willful and I did them anyway. How does a man fix that kind of wrong within himself? Perhaps you understand that only the Father can fix these things and that His power actually achieves it. It was not only the loss you faced because of me. There was material loss as well. Loss I have asked the Father to allow me to fully restore; I dream of being able to restore. The Father and Son love you and your family very much. So much so that I say it again, offending you was why prison was necessary for me. Years of prison. It was your kindness and love that caused me so much despair for all those years. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I wanted to despise myself. He would not let me stay in that place. I had to learn to forgive myself and only then could I follow His command to request such a thing of you. Please forgive me. I am so sorry. Maybe it will sound absurd to you but I’ve missed you every single day. You were a great Brother.

To Those Who Trusted and Partnershiped with Me:

I remember our talks and what I promised you. I told myself that everything I was putting my hands to was “going to be blessed.” I knew I had aspects of my life that needed correction, but I failed to stop and consider how you might be affected by my personal life. I was too proud to think I could be arousing the Father’s wrath. I risked what was not mine to risk. I did so at your expense and my failing caused you to lose; I failed you. As with others, it took me many years to forgive myself and also, as with others, I dream of bringing restoration to your loss and have prayed diligently to this hope. When I heard the beacon signal in my mind, “Everything you did was wrong Michael,” your faces all come into my mind. I remembered all of you and I mourned for loss I caused. I am sure the personal suffering was matched to my own, and yet I brought that into your life personally. I am sure you and your families shed many tears because of me and I’m so sorry. I was wrong and I hurt you. Please forgive me. I’m sorry

To My Sisters and My Nephew:

I wasn’t a good brother or uncle. I told myself that I was, but it was just another one of my many self-deceptions. I often talked of the importance of family, but in looking back I see how I placed my own desires above my own family. I did not spend good quality time with you and I allowed myself to believe doing what I was doing was “for us all.” I failed to consider how my personal transgressions would mandate that I was deceptively fulfilling my own broken thoughts and ideas about what love is. Such a terrible example and yet when I fell it was you who rose up and provided for my children. It was you who stepped in quickly and never condemned me even though I know I disappointed you. You showed me what love is and were always there to encourage me. When birthdays came you bought my children presents. When I needed school supplies and clothes you provided it. I was the overseer of an active ministry; the one accountable to shine a light and I failed while you didn’t. You became what I never was and you helped bring my soul back from the valley of the shadow of death; a valley I once deserved to be in. I’m sorry I disappointed you. I was wrong.

To the United States Government and All of its Agents:

We all know what happened. My evidence, evidence that was proven to be deliberately held from the Grand Jury by you, was that overwhelming. Why else would you obstruct it in such a way, right?  But it does not matter anymore for there were greater offenses and they were MINE, and for that I would like to apologize to you all. I was supposed to represent a Kingdom far higher than the Kingdoms men contrive. I had a ministry that was intended to represent the Kingdom of the Father (Yahweh) and Son (Yahshua/Jesus) and it is there that I failed you. I was commissioned so that all of you might want to do and be better; to be obedient to His laws and commands. Instead I chose to vilify you for the many offenses against myself, and to see you as wicked, without hope. I chose to believe it was my “duty” to correct you and to ensure that as oath bound servants, you stayed within the bounds of your Constitutional service. I had decided that you were beyond the Father’s reach and found every reason to see you as those directly opposed to the only source of true Laws; His Laws. I never once stopped to pray and ask, “Do you love them Father? Are they friend or foe?” Though many times I invited you to meet with me and talk, your refusal was no different than mine; my heart was not in it. I had already condemned you in my mind. I was prideful. I was arrogant and worse, I misrepresented the Father and his Son. I was wrong and I’m sorry.

To Donna:

I am so sorry Donna. Our divorce was my fault. Something I never would have wanted, and yet I caused. The destruction of our family was my fault. Though I know you rejoice with me, that our children have overcome their grief and are whole-minded and doing well today, it’s not the family we both once dreamed of. It was my adultery against you that was the sin Yahweh was most angry about. It was the willful breaking of vows I made to Him, His Son, and you, which demanded my judgment and severe chastening. It was my sins that caused fear within you, and to have to make decisions with that fear in your mind. It was I who broke your heart and shattered dreams I know you had for us, for our children, and for your own life. It was fitting that the many silent tears I’ve cried during my years of solitary confinement were over the loss of my wife for whom I so care.

It is true that I could have never been who I am today without such severe punishment, but I always wanted to love you with pure love. I was incapable. Too “strong”, too prideful, too arrogant, too mean, too badly broken as a man. I’m so sorry I betrayed you, Donna. I’m sorry I didn’t love without fail. I failed utterly and of the many prices I paid, the loss of us was the most painful. The most devastating. I will always miss you as my wife, Donna. I will always consider you my life’s love. Even before you were the mother of our four glorious children, there was just you. The one who took my breath away and stole my heart from the first glance. You were first and you will always be first. I’m sorry. Forgive me. It may seem a little silly at this point, but now that I know and have walked in the sixteen pillars of love, I can say without a doubt, you will always be the love of my life.

So much loss. So much damage. So much pain. And yet, a new day arrives. A day when His words overtake all doubts, all fears, all sorrow. When His words are not just ink on a page, but the substance of every breath a soul can breathe. When alignment with His Mind, His Will, overshadows all the remnants of a once powerful “self” will. When the words of Romans 8:28 manifest, revealing that He indeed makes all things “good” for we who are “called according to His purposes.” When the ashes become beauty, the fear becomes strength, and the mourning becomes a humble power within your mind. A time when the “laws” of fallen men mean nothing, and the voice of Yahweh alone and obedience to His higher laws is what the soul desires. When the “if” becomes a reality because you did obey, and the Son indeed sets you free. A glorious time indeed. A time of vindication and, as I said, the hope of full restoration to all.

“For Yahweh is our Judge. Yahweh is our Lawgiver. Yahweh is our King; it is He who will save us.” (Isayah 33:22)

A time of praise, from despair.

 

-Michael